20 - Madonna
Karen Smith Hello Madonna, babe. How are you?
Madonna Hello, dear child! I'm well, thank you. My assistant, Lorraine, kindly offered to type up my dictations because she didn't think I'd be able to keep up with you young 'uns!
Karen Smith What does that mean, babe?
Madonna What does what mean, deary?
Karen Smith Everything, babe. I also don't know what dictations are. Should I ask my boyfriend Troye for help?
Madonna I don't really know where to begin with that, to be quite honest. Umm, I'm not sure that's the kind of dic... he could help you with, sweetie!
Karen Smith They sound like something he said he loves to eat. I don't remember what it was to be honest.
Madonna Maybe avoid that question then. Some things are better left in the past.
Karen Smith Anyway Madonna, tell me, why do people call you grandmother?
Madonna They do? I can only assume it's because of my undying love and wisdom.
Karen Smith What can I call you , babe?
Madonna You can call me M tonight.
Karen Smith Nana? Great Auntie? Gretchen?
Madonna Who's Gretchen? Actually, let's just stick to Madonna, dear. It's more respectful.
Karen Smith
Okay, babe it is then, babe. Wait are you Regina's mom's mom?
Madonna Who's Vagina?
Karen Smith Troye asked me the same thing once. I don't know what he meant babe.
Madonna Cupcake, I think you should leave Troye alone for a while. You're probably tiring him out.
Karen Smith Anyway babe, how are you finding your time in the music industry so far?
Madonna I'm really enjoying myself! Everyone is so much more lovely and welcoming than in my previous jobs.I love how all the women support each other, especially Erika and Troye!
Karen Smith Babe, Troye isn't a woman. He's a home oh sexual. I don't know what that means though.
Madonna Oh yes, I'm familiar with that concept. I came across a lot of those in my theater days. Both figuratively and literally!
Karen Smith Tell me more about your past jobs babe. What were you before this?
Madonna You mean you don't already know my name? I'm a Broadway star, honey. You might have seen me back in 1996 when I starred in the hit film, A Sta... I mean, Evita! Unfortunately, film didn't really work out for me but I never lost my passion for the musicals. And that's led me to where I'm at now so I couldn't be more delighted.
Karen Smith Isn't that the breakfast cookie Marina keeps telling me about?
Madonna Don't listen to her, dear. I hear she drinks
Karen Smith Do you drink, babe? Do you know the Wine Squad?
Madonna I'm familiar with the concept, yes! But I try to lead a healthy lifestyle, and that means very little alcohol for Ms. C these days!
Karen Smith Christina?
Madonna No, me, Madonna. Ms. Ciccone... Never mind.
Karen Smith I agree she drinks too much. Last time she ended up with her head in the toilet.
Madonna I ended up with my head in the toilet last time too - but not last time I drank!
Karen Smith Anyway babe tell me, how hard is it for you to keep up with young people? You look older than Britney Spears, so I assume you go to bed early?
Madonna Not at all, to be honest! My daughter, Lola, has been teaching me how to use Twitter and I feel so welcomed there. The ladies all seem to love me. I've learnt how to hash tags, download friends and even share things I find interesting, it's a lot of fun. I admit I do like to have a few extra hours of beauty sleep these days, yes! But anything to help me keep my girlish good looks.
Karen Smith Wait. You're Lana's mom, babe?
Madonna I'm not sure I know who that is, sorry. Is it one of my African children? I've lost track.
Karen Smith Are your African children white, babe?
Madonna No, but I did come across a white African child the other day! I was taken aback. Very peculiar. Hope that never happens again. I think they were called Trishe.
Karen Smith I always ask my boyfriend why he's white but he never answers me. Gretchen always says I shouldn't do that.
Wait hold on babe, my phone is ringing. Do you know how to work it? It's very confusing. I dialled Troye's number 69 and it didn't work. I dialled 911 and no one answered. I'm very confused.
Madonna Oh, that's okay, I understand. I just got the internet system installed in my house last week and I know you have to turn it off to send a telegram. Maybe you should try to send Troye an email on MySpace?
Karen Smith Okay sorry to leave you talking to yourself like always babe. That was Katy. She told me to stop speaking about African children because it's not po... polit... poo... nice. Instead, she told me to ask about your album. What was it like recording it, babe?
Madonna The little girl who likes to play dress up? I think I worked with her once. She was very sweet.
It was a breath of fresh air! I've tried out a lot of new sounds that I wasn't really allowed to do back when I was on stage. Now I feel like I can get down with the youths once more!
Karen Smith What music do you have planned for the future? You better release some more soon, babe. Most people like you are usually in a hospital bed instead of an interview chair.
Madonna Well now that I've experimented a little I'm considering going with something a tad more classic sounding...but we'll have to see what the future holds regarding that. I'll be sure to do some exciting collaborations with some wonderful ladies to keep you all satisfied in the meantime, though!
I did get into some heated discussions about the recording of my latest single, 'One Night in China', in the studio. But ultimately I decided I had to include it because it was inspired by Natalia Kills who is one of my idols, and there was no way I couldn't pay homage to her on my debut album.
Karen Smith Oh, I do like Natalia Ambrosia's song 'Torn'. Do you have any other idols, babe?
Madonna Another idol of mine would be Kylie Minaj. I always find it so fascinating that a woman of her age would have the guts to keep doing what she does, looking like that. I hope to still have that courage when I'm her age!
Karen Smith ... Babe. Are you a little slow?
Madonna At typing? Yes, I admit! That's why Lorraine is here with me dear!
Karen Smith Billboard told me that you were already fighting with Kylie at the nursing home this afternoon? Is it not true?
Madonna How ridiculous. Kylie and I are the best of friends and will always support each other. We were just filming a music video today and I can definitely, absolutely 100% confirm that there was no age-related drama there.
Karen Smith So you two were working together? It's nice for women to finally be able to work in 2018, babe.
Madonna Yes, our collaboration is already out on her new album! I forget the name of both the song and the album but I'm sure they were both great!
Karen Smith Tell me, are you working with any other artists?
Madonna Darling, when I'm working, there's always an artist in the room, if you know what I mean.
Karen Smith Wait are you that painting. Regina told me about it once. "The Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies" - that's what it was.
Madonna I'm sorry but I have no idea what you're talking about...
Karen Smith That makes two of us babe.
Madonna Shocking.
Karen Smith Anyway babe, I know you're quite old. But do you like games?
Madonna Ooh, always! I love a bit of roleplay, bondage, you name it, I...
Karen Smith I don't have any board games like Ludo or Snakes and Ladders though. Katy won't buy me any.
Madonna Oh. Right. Yes, those kind of games are okay I suppose.
Karen Smith Okay, it's called Most Likely To. I'll ask you something and you tell me what artist you think of. Do you get it babe? I'm a bit confused honestly.
Madonna It sounds interesting. Give it a try sweet cheeks!
Karen Smith Who's most likely to hack into someone's Facebook?
Madonna Facebook is the internet diary place, yes? Hmm, well definitely not me. I'm not that capable yet! Maybe that mannish looking one. Kink? The one who talks about having multiple Twitter accounts. She seems like she knows what she's doing with these new fangled gadgets.
Karen Smith Who's most likely to get arrested for walking around naked?
Madonna Oh now from experience, that would have to be Adam Levine. We were actually planning to shoot a promo video for our song, 'Cheat'. It was going to be set in a casino, big and fancy. But the whole time he kept insisting that he should be filmed naked. I didn't particularly mind seeing it, you know - I've seen much worse things in my years. But he just kept whipping it out and I could tell it was making some of the crew uncomfortable. So in the end we scrapped the idea, which is a shame, but I can't be upstaged like that and I'm not planning to flash my sponge pudding just yet!
Karen Smith
Who's most likely to eat with their mouth open?
Madonna From what I've seen...I'd say Erika Jayne. But I won't give away too many details on how I know that!
Karen Smith
Who's most likely to become a drug dealer?
Madonna Probably that Mariner girl. I'm sure she must already be on something to be that fucking clueless, so she'll know where to source the good stuff.
Karen Smith
Who's most likely to pee in someone's drink?
Madonna I may know someone who's done that in their time...someone very close to home, even. But a lady never tells! If I had to choose someone else, I've heard rumours about The Weeknd getting up to similar antics, or at least a woman who resembled him. That was a few months back though when I was less familiar with the whole scene. Wish I'd been around so they could've invited me, haha! I'm kidding, don't put that in. Lorraine, stop typing!
Karen Smith
Who's most likely to be homophobic?
Madonna Definitely not me, Madonna, self declared inventor of gayosexuals! Because of that, I'll have to say that girl Hannah. Hannah? Oh, Rihanna. The one who released the album. That stopped the faguettes from getting the #1 Madonna album that the world owed them and actions don't come more homophobic than that!
Karen Smith
Who's most likely to be a Donald Trump supporter?
Madonna The bumpkin bitch. Carry Underwear? Whatever. I don't know why but she makes my senses tingle, and not in the way I like them to.
Karen Smith Wait a minute, babe. I heard the door bell, I'll be right back.
Madonna Please hurry, it's nearly my bedtime.
Karen Smith Okay, babe. That was your caretaker. He said that the Beverly Hills Nursing Home closes in 10 minutes and you need to be home by 9pm.
Is there anything you'd like to tell your non-fans before you go?
Madonna Um... upload my new single, 'One Night in China', now!
Karen Smith Okay, babe. Goodnight. Hope you don't pee yourself before you get home. See you soon Miranda.
Madonna MADONNA!
Karen Smith
Who?