Real Friends
I just want to say… I’M BACK!
Kittens and Billboard readers, this is your goddess; Katy Perry. I pulled a few strings and I’m back to talk about myself for one final week! Oh… and friendship. A powerful yet intangible item; capable of building bridges and creating strong bonds, but also vulnerable to destruction or 'Malevolence' (Gaga, I know you’re reading this!). Real friends, however, portray a completely different entity. The one thing they’ll never do is let you down!
My ‘real friend’, Perrie Edwards is a kick-ass, amazing, beautiful and fucking awesome chick. Bursting onto the music scene as a solo artist, only two weeks ago, she quickly took the industry by storm with her number-one hit ‘Ready Steady Go’. Releasing her début studio album – a self-titled collection – and the remix of ‘Tastes Like Bubblegum’ within the last seven days gave her all to play for this week! Unfortunately, she was face-to-face with the number-two spot for the first six of those days. Until, a real friend stepped in!
At first, I thought my good friend, P!nk could help out! But unfortunately, the store from where she purchased Troye Sivan’s album had a no-return policy. It was only five hours ago that I stepped my game up. While my website has been inactive for a while, all its functions remain in full working order – including the Kitten Mail Box. With haste, I urged my most dedicated Kittens to purchase Edwards’s album. The extra sales – as well as streams via Edward’s personal twitter account – allowed for both ‘Bubblegum’ and ‘Edwards’ to top the respective Billboard charts!
“I’m more than just a real friend; I’m an Archangel.”
And like a fallen ‘Angel’ – or more appropriately, a ‘Demon’ – Sivan lands at the number-two position on both the Hot Singles Chart and the Top Albums Chart. ‘afterdance’ now marks Sivan’s first album to not peak at the pole position. It’s what he deserves for being such a lame, whiny, slimy, obsessed, jealous, bottom bitch; who’s only real aim in life is to become me. Fortunately (unfortunately), it’s not all bad for Sivan; ‘Make Me Feel’ (#2) marks his highest charting single – as lead artist - since his last passable release (‘Butterfly Effect’), while ‘Moonrise’ holds steady at number eleven. But whatever; they’re not number-one. What a loser. Always remember; ‘You Can’t Sit With Us’!
Oh! There’s one more place you can’t sit, Sivan; atop the All-Time Singles Chart, anymore! That’s right; your ‘Nightmare’ has come true. Reaching a total of just-over 299 chart points earlier this evening, P!nk ‘Shoots’ Sivan ‘Down’ from his throne. The blockbuster smash – available as a solo single, or a remix with Kesha – slips 6-13 this week, while P!nk’s current single, ‘Just Not You’, falls to number four. But what did you expect from a ‘Rebelle Femme’?
It’s funny how the pop industry works; everything seems to happen all at once – and that’s exactly what happened here. It’s not only the top two that hold the same position on both charts; Rihanna and Erika Jayne both find themselves playing the same game. The ‘Wine Remix’ of Rihanna’s track, ‘Please Don’t Fall’, causes a small rise of 5-3 this week, as Jayne’s last-minute re-issue of ‘Power’ – featuring the same crew (Rihanna, Edwards and Christina Aguilera) smashes into the top five this week, adjusting 10-5. Collapsing at the last minute, like Aguilera on a Sunday morning, their newest album releases also chart at #3 and #5, respectively.
Meanwhile, on the albums chart, we look at the final new album release; ‘HOLLYWEIRD’. One thing is clear; the fans found it ‘weird’! This new issue fails dramatically, unable to push past the number-nine spot; with almost-equally bad numbers on both metrics. Meanwhile, her singles performance isn’t really any better. Her new track, ‘Murmur’ (#15) actually charts lower than her prior hit, ‘L.A. Girls’ (#12) – you can’t make this up! At one point, I was confused when Jayne told Billboard, she didn’t want to be that artist who doesn’t listen to her fans… but I think the accusation is clear. Step up your game and release a remix ‘L.A. Girls’, slag!
Finally, let’s take a look at some of the other releases on the singles chart. None of them are that interesting, really. Sivan’s out-of-his-league boyfriend, Shawn Mendes, débuts at number-seven with ‘Shout It Out’ as previous releases, ‘Feel The Rhythm’ (#9) and ‘Slow Motion’ (#19) begin to fall. Meanwhile, Instagram model and whisperer, Selena Gomez (surprisingly) scores her first top-ten hit in over a year, with the Edwards feature, ‘Call It Whatever’ (#10). All things look up for Gomez as both prior singles, ‘Tongue’ (#27) and ‘Feelings’ (#32) force their way up the chart. However, when one goes up, another must come down; as is the case for Jennifer Lopez’s new release, ‘Thirsty Girl’ – the lowest-charting new release of the week – trailing light-years behind the other releases at a famished twenty-three!