16 - Perrie Edwards
New York I thought I was going to have a nice relaxing day after interviewing that stupid, ugly whore - Kesha - yesterday. But, now I've been told I have to interview your drunk ass. Urgh! Whatever! Let’s get this over with. Hello Saaphyri, how are you?
Perrie Edwards LOL at the long-ass intro! What’s up, Chicago?
New York Bitch, I shouldn't have to remind you that I am the head bitch. I will talk for as long as I want. You should stay silent until asked. So, shut your mouth and open up your ears. Now, tell me Perrie, what have you been up to since your last interview with that idiot, Karen Smith?
Perrie Edwards Wait… do you want a serious answer?
New York Bitch, it was your ass that called me here for an interview. So yes, a fucking serious answer! Is everyone from England this dumb? God!
Perrie Edwards First of all; you’re very racist. Second, I was joking, beau! Anyway; here is the thing. Last time with Karen I revealed exclusively my album title. And now it's about to get released. Although I'm kinda turned off with some greedy bitches around here. Like girl, you've got a number-one album and you want a 2nd week? Greedy much? I’m talking about Kesha, by the way. To finish my answer; My first two singles have done amazingly and I'm super proud of myself and my fans for their support.
New York This long-ass response and still no one will give a single fuck about your album…
Perrie Edwards I just know it will be your guilty pleasure! Drop this act; it’s faker than Erika’s boobs!
New York Oh, you want to talk about being fake? Well, Perrie, tell me. What's the inside scoop on your relationship with Shawn Mendes? That shit was faker than your live vocals!
Perrie Edwards It is widely known that I'm a philanthropist. Basically, his manager asked me to turn him straight again - apparently his gayness is Troye's fault - and I agreed to help him - for free because I'm a philanthropist, of course! Unfortunately, I failed! We are still good friends though; we do slumber parties occasionally, singing Ready Steady Go, shading my boss; those kind of things.
New York Oh, let's talk about your boss for a minute. She's a right cunt, I know! Why do you stay with her when she force-feeds you with foods that you're allergic to? Are you a compulsive liar, simply stupid, or a masochist; or perhaps all three?
Perrie Edwards Sorry. I went to pee. I’m back now! I kept some for Adam; do you want any? By the way, what you said about my boss is exactly true; but it’s not like I have a better option…
New York What about that fat bitch? Isn't she a label executive and part of your ‘Alcoholics R Us’ support group? Why would you not side with her?
Perrie Edwards Do you mean Janet? Wait, Hottie. Are you ok?
New York I think I’m gonna pass out. I just noticed your hair looks like my period! You look fucking ridiculous with that pink shade!
Perrie Edwards Don’t you stop having your period at your age, though?
New York Bitch, you only stop having your period through a lack of sexual desire. I - fortunately - have been blessed with fabulous, flaw-free looks. Your grapefruit inspired - but still bloated - head can't say the same!
Perrie Edwards Who told you that? Kylie?
New York You need to shut your mouth and stop playing games! Or actually, how about we play a game instead?
Perrie Edwards Aren’t you playing on every single reality-show, bitch?
New York The difference between you and I is; I'm always real with it, and that's why people hate me. People hate you because you look like a fucking Mario character, have that terrible accent and scream every time you put your oversized mouth near a microphone. Did you not think one Xtina was enough?
Perrie Edwards But people love you though, Los Angeles. Everybody is dying to visit you! Where is this so-called game, by the way? At least keep your promises, since you can’t keep a man!
New York It is called 'Most Likely To'. Here's how it works; I ask a question, and you tell me who is the most likely person to do that action? Assuming that you can't judge a book by its cover - although, in your case, both the book and the cover have an IQ lower than Shawn Mendes's sperm count - then you should have - hopefully - understood this. I'm not convinced!
Perrie Edwards I know everything about sperm, so yes! Let’s do it.
New York Question One: "Who's most likely to not take a shower for a week?"
Perrie Edwards Selena. I think she has Alzheimer’s though, so it’s not her fault!
New York Question Two: "Who's most likely to lie about being a virgin?"
Perrie Edwards Girl, where have you been? Everyone is trying to prove the exact opposite now! But considering his pretentiousness, definitely Adam.
New York Question Three: "Who's most likely to watch porn with animals?"
Perrie Edwards Me, duh!
New York Urgh, the English are so fucking nasty!
Perrie Edwards Yeah, you know all about us from David.
New York Isn’t he dead? Question Four: "Who's most likely to die from doing something stupid?" (and why haven't you done it yet?)
Perrie Edwards There are so many answers for this one! The most convincing must be Lana though. She is capable of choking herself with the router's wire while trying to fix her Wi-Fi. She is so pure!
New York Question Five: "who's most likely to have unwanted children?"
Perrie Edwards P!nk; she already has two of them…
New York Final question: "who's most likely to be the skinniest in 10 years?"
Perrie Edwards Troye; I heard he loves broccoli!
New York Well, Perrie; I want to pretend to thank you for this interview, while actually telling you to get a life, a sense of humour and some talent. But before we wrap this up, Billboard have asked me to reveal an exclusive from a recent interview. Troye Sivan was quoted saying "who knows where Perrie Edwards came from?" - how do you respond?
Perrie Edwards What kind of question is this?
New York It’s a question that I asked you, so you could answer it; you dumb-ass bitch!
Perrie Edwards It doesn’t make any fucking sense, you psychopath!
New York Ok, you know what? I’m done.
Perrie Edwards Oh, before you leave; I’ll be waiting for you at my party tonight! Please bring the chicken lady with you, and David - if he can manage. I will even gift you a signed copy of my album!
New York Fuck you!