Glitch. Witch. Bitch.
It's only been three days since Halloween passed for yet-another-year. What a thriller that was! We had glitches (various technical malfunctions from the keyboard of Madonna & Kylie Minogue), witches (Lady Gaga and her nose) and of course, many, many bitches (basically everyone who tweeted over the past week). But which witch is which?
Ultimately, one artist made it out of the week unhitched; none other than RCA executive P!nk. The release of her fifth studio album, 'Forever Personal', propelled her straight to the number-one spot on the Top Albums Chart. In addition, the attached single 'Betcha Didn't Know' also skyrockets to the top spot of the Hot Singles Chart as 'Delicious' slipped 2-4. Her acts of bitchiness this week include shading everyone in this charticle, misquoting everyone's interviews and re-releasing an album of songs she released five years ago forcing her fans to buy it again (except most of them didn't; we see you Lana, Madonna and Kylie).
Let's talk about Rihanna. Her acts of bitchiness include raiding Cher's music video aesthetics from 1999 and passing them off as original ideas - this trait we assumed was picked up from label executive Christina Aguilera - being the absolute fakest member of the Wine Squad, and not having a computer in 2018. The latter fault is most likely the reason her former number-ones, single 'Glitch' and album 'Digital Disturbance' slipped to number-three and number-two respectively this week.
On the subject of the Wine Squad, let's talk about the bitchiness exhibited over the past week. Here's what we know; self-appointed leader Christina Aguilera forgot about member Perrie Edwards when at a meeting not long ago. Then Edwards told Aguilera to stop tweeting so much in a recent interview, prompting Aguilera to remove Edwards from the Wine Squad roster (by Twitter, no less). Erika Jayne then got involved cursing Edwards out - also on Twitter. Rihanna - unaware of what was going on (no surprise to anyone) - attempted to escape the squad's clutches by hosting auditions for a potential Pizza Squad. Those fell through after mentions of pineapple and corn. Suddenly, Edwards retaliates with the formation of the Holy Squad and Xtina tweets "all PR is good PR". Noticeably, Jayne's newest studio album 'Unfiltered' was released earlier this week but charts at the number-three spot, below Rihanna's existing release. Somehow, we don't agree with Aguilera's statement...
As we leave the Wine Squad's AA meeting in the past, why don't we look towards the MM meeting; Madonna and Mariah Carey, two artists that are well... in Roman Numerals, MM stands for 2000, so you figure it out. As with all pensioners, social media is still a relatively unknown concept to this duo; Mariah's 'Good Thing' hits the top-ten (#8) while Madonna's 'One Night in China' ultimately lands at the #12 position. Their bitchiness this week includes fighting with both other-pensioners (Kylie Minogue) and teenagers (Tove Lo), and feuding with each other over the use of the word "Diamond". We get it ladies, you're both 60. Now, go to sleep. Stay tuned for a special feature with this week's cover girl, Mariah Carey over the weekend!
On the topic of streaming failures, let's talk about Troye Sivan, Taylor Swift and Lana Del Rey. All three of these artists performed well on both the Digital Songs and Radio Songs chart but their failures come from their lack of Streaming presence. While perhaps not surprising for Rey - whose fans would be unable to stream a whole album if they fall asleep after one song - or Sivan; it's a common fact that gays don't support gays, it's rather surprising for someone like Swift; a young pop girl. We can only assume that the #Gays4Trump were her main fanbase in the past, and have now ditched her after she denounced his policies (or they just thought she was a bitch for pretending she was 'Supreme'). Regardless, all three manage to make the top-ten (with Rey hitting the top-five), but their peaks are nothing compared to what could have been with a little magic (and an internet connection).
Finally, we look to new artists; Tove Lo and The Weeknd. Their acts of bitchiness involve the following; Tove Lo striking out against other artists in the industry while being a complete flop - both past and present. Oh wait, we just remembered she's not actually a new artist. Whatever. She might as well be. 'Crisco Disco' débuts at #15 this week. Meanwhile, The Weeknd proves everyone wrong as 'Over You' smashes its way into the top-two this week, with prior-single 'Alone' holding onto the top-ten. The problem with The Weeknd is... The Weeknd. He was left to last in this article because we genuinely don't know anything about him, nor do we care. Who is she?
The full desktop and mobile editions of this week's published charts have been linked below. As always, more information will be available to label executives and recording artists upon request. The all-time charts and chart-database will be updated tomorrow.