Gods & Mortals
What is a God? Where does one come from? Is there only one? The Christian one? The womanly one? The Greek Ones that various #PI players have used shamelessly as titles of their music releases because they're less original than Christina Aguilera? Yeah, well. We're not a dictionary so we don't fucking know. But we ran out of inspiration for this charticle, so let's compare our artists to them.
Up first, we have this week's number-one single holder; Rihanna. Yes, that's right. 'Over You' becomes Rihanna's eighth number-one single. It also marks her third as a featuring artist; something to which Rihanna is evidently no stranger; as she gets passed round the artist pool like a portable toilet on a camping trip. Earlier this week, Rihanna (wrongly) assumed she would return to number-one on the albums chart, and instead lands at the number-three spot. While she's certainly no Goddess of Wisdom, we would compare her to Poseidon - God of the Seas - as she certainly gets wet on a Wednesday night... and in more ways than one... or three.
Next, let's talk about the number-one artist on the albums chart; Lana Del Rey. Her second (actually third) album marks her first (actually second) number-one album on the Top Albums Chart. The record 'MELANCHOLIA' is notable for its current top-three hit of the same name and the defining track 'Summer We Never Had', which sits at #7 this week. We would compare Rey to Tyche, the Goddess of good luck and fortune. Because honestly, who would have thought? Maybe her next surprise will include a song that doesn't automatically induce sleep. Hypnos would like a word with you, dear.
The other new album this week comes from the 'Diamond' lady herself, none other than Mariah Carey. This week Carey was fortunate enough to book our first entry in the new series; the Billboard Chart Feature... and it seems as if her luck ran out then. 'Diamond' enters the Top Albums Chart at number-five; becoming her lowest-charting album in four years. Not only that but her singles 'Good Thing' and 'New Love' tumble out of the top 10 and 20 respectively. We haven't seen a fall like that since Hephaestus got chucked off the top of Mount Olympus. We have to ask ourselves what weighs more; Hephaestus's anvil or Mariah Carey...'s shoes.
Next, we'll look at messenger of the industry; P!nk. Most comparable to Hermes, this troublemaker could certainly be classed as the goddess of thieves; stealing the number-four single spot from Christina Aguilera and number-two album spot from Rihanna at the last second. Hermes is also known for his caduceus; a winged staff intertwined with snakes. We're not one to speculate but we wonder just how much snakery P!nk has been up to this season. In fact, Taylor Swift better watch out because she's already lost her chart success and this was the only distinguishable feature she had left. What a shame.
From one label executive to another, we look at the Goddess of Wine and not much else; Christina Aguilera. Most comparable to Dionysus, Aguilera is known for heading the (most likely) soon-to-be-defunct Wine Squad - after all Rihanna's interview headlines still haven't been published (throwback to Season 5 anyone?) Aguilera was convinced that her only competition for the top-three spot this week was Ariana Grande's 'La Vie en Rose', a fact that turned out to be, well, not a fact as 'Something About You' barely scrapes the top-five.
On the subject of Grande, we would most compare her to Ares; God of War, as she's pumped and ready to go in the upcoming battle for number-one album. We're also told that Ares is signified by a wild boar which we have to assume is the Nicki Minaj feature that exists on every single shit Grande pulls out of her ass. To 'Freedom'!
Someone who knows nothing about freedom is the God of the Underworld; Hades. Most comparable to Kylie Minogue, Hades is known for being a gloomy soul with not much presence outside his own little cavern. The Underworld itself sits right at the bottom of the world, much like Minogue's newest single; 'Hypnotic' (#14). This would be the part where we tie Erika Jayne and Madonna into this article. However, as there were no gods related to plastic surgery or cultural appropriation and stolen children, we're unsure of which God to compare them to. But we know one thing; they're certainly not Aphrodite.
Finally, we'll talk about The Weeknd. We touched on him last week and never in a million years did we think he'd reach number-one as a back-up singer on Rihanna's newest single. Wait. What? He's the lead artist? Who is he though? Honestly! Allegedly, he has an album coming out this week, three singles, two features and the record for most tweets in a single week this season so far, but... just who is he? Ideally, we'd like to compare him to a peasant rather than a God, but out of respect for - allegedly - his number-one, we'll compare him to Nike, the Goddess of Victory, because we'd never heard of her before writing this article.
The full desktop and mobile editions of this week's published charts have been linked below. As always, more information will be available to label executives and recording artists upon request. The all-time charts and chart-database will be updated tomorrow.