Desperation Never Does... Or Does It?
A mess. A word used half-heartedly by the #PopIndustry artist base, in response to anything slightly funny, something unusual or just Christina Aguilera in general. This week, we have a new meaning for the word. History was made, a curse was broken and a lifestyle quote was disproved - all in one week. An absolute mess.
Desperation never does... but what happens when everyone is desperate? Christina Aguilera - known for being the queen of desperation, mind-boggling conundrums, KFC, more desperation and originality - finally scores her very first number-one record. After trying countless times over a period of five weeks, Aguilera scrapes enough chart points to allow 'Mightnight Wonderland' the #1 spot. Correction: 'Midnight Wonderland' - apologies, we were looking at the previous album cover. Meanwhile, Aguilera's 'Tears of Happiness' appropriately-titled single lands at #3.
On the Hot Singles Chart, P!nk proves herself to be more than a one-era wonder. After a string of songs that missed the top-three, P!nk's collaboration with Troye Sivan ('You Know It's Over') tops the Hot Singles Chart, surprising everyone... including P!nk herself. P!nk's acts of desperation this week include trying to pawn her kids off to other artists in the industry, tooting about future baby names knowing full-well that she won't look after them, and shading Christina Aguilera at every given opportunity. Nothing much new here.
However, on the subject of new developments, we look to Ariana Grande, Sunmi, Madonna and Kesha. These artists become newly notable this week. Grande and Sunmi scrape the top-10 of the Hot Singles Chart and Top Albums Chart this week, after a last-minute desperate act of sabotaging everyone else on Universal's radio playlist harder than the aforementioned Aguilera ever has. Madonna makes this article due to the colossal flop of her new single ('Contact Sports', #23). Her act of desperation is referring to the single as "(mega-flop)" at the time of release, in an attempt to save herself from being brought up now. Sorry Grandma, you failed, just like your single... and your eyesight. Meanwhile, Kesha is mentioned because she desperately paid us to mention #Juicy... whatever that is.
Someone else notorious for her payola within the industry is none-other than Lana Del Rey. Rey's roles of desperation this week include... actually logging onto the Activity Feed for the first time this season... actually not sending her radio callout scores last, for once... and copying Britney Spears (after previously copying G Girls and Katy Perry). However, once again, Rey's desperation certainly paid off as she lands the #2 spot on both major charts this week. But what else was paid off? Some voters perhaps? Some bots? the iTunes store itself? It wouldn't be the first time for Lana Del Pey. Where's GOLDN-HIFI when you need it?
But what happens when the desperation doesn't pay off? Well, let's look at Justin Timberlake, Iggy Azalea and Gwen Stefani. Azalea, who was number-one in both the Top Albums mid-week and Stefani's HDD-esque prediction service (aka, as trustworthy as Aguilera when she claims she didn't sabotage anything in a given week), sadly falls to a lower but still impressive #3 position. Azalea's highlighted desperation this week is her continuous promotion of the word 'toot' - leading to her getting attacked for spamming... by the other spammers. Ha! Oh, and speaking of... this week, Stefani and Timberlake posted their desperate wishes for their releases to be Top 10 and Top 5 respectively... ha, ha, HA!
History. It has been re-written. For the first time ever, one artist in the industry shows no signs of desperation. Simultaneously, this artist also shows no signs of chart success either. History was made today. No sponsored album release has ever missed the top 10 of the Top Albums Chart... until now. Charlie Puth's 'Erotic Wonderland' debuts at the lowest of the low; the #19 spot on the Top Albums Chart. But he's not alone. The Weeknd's act of desperation is well-documented; desperation to be recognised in this very charticle. And for once, his wish was granted. The Weeknd joins Puth as the second album to miss the top ten, as 'Acid Dreams' peaks at the #11 spot. Not a dream, after all. Just a nightmare.