...And They're Off!
A new season of #PopIndustry begins and just like that we start all over, once more. Some things change, but some things never really change.In other words, it’s never really over. But as we sit here with this small talk, there are much more important things going on within the sphere of the #PopIndustry; including new feuds, new rivalries, new releases, new challenges and of course, new number-ones! And so, Let’s Start Again.
After a shocking and exhausting race to the number-one spot, P!nk officially claims her 7th number-one single to date with ‘Let’s Start Again’. Her exhausting race to number-one contained of tweeting about how fat Christina Aguilera was, her shopping list, and bragging about her runner-up position for the phony Mother of the Year award, as if anyone believed that.
Speaking of which, if we told ourselves that Kesha would have the number-one and number-two spot on the Top Albums Chart, we’d have probably taken ourselves to court over defamation and slander. (Taylor Swift; please send us your number in case we need you in future, thanks). But with some kind of alien, voodoo magic, she does indeed manage to secure this feat with ‘BiTtErSwEeT’ and ‘The Singles… In Orbit’. At least we think the smell coming out of her lower-half was alien, voodoo magic… or horse-cum.
Yes Horse-cum. Just what the fuck have we turned this event into? I… We… We really don’t know. But Gwen Stefani and Lana Del Rey might. Yep. Their lawyers have told us we’re not allowed to go into detail, so it seems #HorseCumGate will remain the industry’s worst-kept secret. All that controversy – and consummation of disturbing liquids – and yet neither of these flops could hit the top five – debuting at #12 and #8 respectively. Ah well, there’s plenty room for more disasters ahead!
So, who ended up in the top five? Well, rounding out the Hot Singles Chart are the resurgence of (allegedly) kidnapped and (allegedly) insane Selena Gomez, with her (alleged) BFF Katy Perry, on the (alleged) stolen Perrie Edwards track ‘Devil Wears High Heels’ at number-three. Hot on the heels… or hooves of them are Rihanna and Karen Smith with ‘Believe’ at #5. Meanwhile, on the albums chart, new albums by industry relics Lady Gaga (‘VHS!’ – she threatened to sue us if we didn’t include the exclamation mark) and Christina Aguilera (‘Imagination’ – isn’t it ironic) underperform at #3 and #4 respectively.
Now, let’s move on from the relics no one cares about anymore and talk about the new and returning artists who have joined us this season. And they certainly started with a bang… not on the charts of course (they all flopped), but on the streaming platform Mastodon. There, feuds erupted between Justin Bieber, Kim Petras, Kim Kardashian, BANKS and Ellie Goulding – all in some sort of weird mix-matched organisation chart? I think we’re ALL tired of them already. But who came out on top? Goulding makes a successful debut in the top ten with ‘Love Drum’, while the others scrape the bottom of the barrel to the surprise of no one.
So, whose left? Well, we’ve had the number-one artists, the successful artists, the flop new artists. What’s that? There are artists who flopped even harder? HA! But it’s true. Our lowest entries this week belong to Amelia Lily featuring Kim Petras with ‘Legendary Kiss’ (#26) on the singles chart and Ed Sheeran’s debut album ‘Broken Promises’ (#17). Let us guess; she promised a legendary kiss but all that remained was… horse-cum. Aw.