The Bride and her Maid
Hello ladies and wanna-be-ladies! It’s your favorite #CapitolQueen here; Katy Perry. While I usually let my intern do this job for me, today is a special occasion. So, like always, we’ll be discussing the success stories of the week, dragging Adam Levine and every other flop artist of the week, and not mentioning The Weeknd at all. Fun stuff, yes. Let’s continue!
Let’s start with the most important news of the week; my talented, show-stopping, totally unique, beautiful and gorgeous number-one album! ‘The Lion King’ is my 8th number-one album to date. Buy and stream the Film Soundtrack coming out next week also! And now that my album is number-one, I have an announcement: “Dear Adam Levine, you and I are over; I have had enough of you, your ugly personality, your horrid new hairstyle, and your tiny dick. Don’t call me Senorita anymore because we are NEVER EVER getting back together. Like ever. - Katy”
Now, let’s move onto the second most important news of the week; my talented, show-stopping, totally unique, beautiful and gorgeous number-one single! My collaboration with Troye Sivan, ‘an afterdance in the afterlife’, hits number-one on the Hot Singles Chart after a week of meltdowns and messiness. While, of course, it’s nowhere near as good as a solo Katy Perry track, it does prove that Troye Sivan is useful for one thing at least. This track is my 15th number-one hit and Troye’s… well I don’t know or care how many he has but it’s less than 15 for sure. Oh, and his album flopped, aw.
Next I want to talk about my talented, show-stopping, totally unique, beautiful and gorgeous new signings to Capitol Records; Selena Gomez (and two others). Miss Gomez who is in the Top 100 of #PI Vocalists to date (according to herself, and only herself) proves herself to be a fierce competitor on the charts as my collaboration with her ‘Devil Wears High Heels’ remains stable at number-three. This is the final mention of me in this charticle so you might as well stop reading now!
Anyway… stable? We HATE to see it. But we might as well bring up Gwen Stefani and Lana Del Rey; they’re known for their love of stables – or the liquid inside them. They also remain stable when it comes to flopping; they just can’t win EVER. Stefani’s new album barely makes the top ten as ‘Go Go Gone’ go-goes-gone out of the top-twenty despite all her controversy, while Lana Del Rey… well let’s just say her highlight of the week is a diss-track from Kim Petras (‘LANA DEL REY’) debuting at #23… which is about as high as any Lana Del Rey single would be without Interscope’s payola fund.
Now that all the interesting releases are out of the way (I could swear I’m forgetting someone but maybe she just gave up halfway through the week? Good rih-ddance), let’s talk about the new top-ten entries. Troye Sivan-collaborator Normani hits the number-six spot with ‘Emotional’ as Troye Sivan-dominator T.O.P also makes it with ‘BLING BLING’ providing some charity to Ariana Grande by suggesting her next tan should be Asian-inspired.
Finally let’s look at the biggest flops of the week. To start with, SOPHIE and Rosalíá flopped so hard that we’re not even going to bother talking about them. Poop-king Ed Sheeran’s ‘Cheat Code’ is about as accurate as the ‘Mew under the truck’ or ‘Charli XCX will log onto Tooter’ rumors as he debuts at #26. Meanwhile artists like Robyn, FKA Twigs and Amelia Lily hit the top-twenty with various singles that won’t be remembered next week, let alone five years from now. Honestly the biggest surprise of the week is that Tove Lo actually made the top fifteen. ‘Disco Demolition’? We can only wonder if other D-words were demolished this week.