Painting by Numbers
(Tootland when Ed Sheeran appears)
“I used to live in the darkness. Dress in black, act so heartless, but now; I see that colors are everything” – a train of thought best applied to the no-life Tootland residents this week, as they spent 24 hours watching a live stream of an empty forest. These losers – including P!nk, Kesha, Selena Gomez and Christina Aguilera – found themselves in awe at the appearance of a Rainbow-colored Ponyta. The awe that’s also found when the Billboard Charts get announced on a Saturday night. And what if… one of these losers was actually a winner? Well…
Let’s start with the color Indigo. It’s a well-known fact for the aforementioned artists that the Indigo Plateau is the most important game location; the top spot where you become champion. And the only artist to reach this location this week is WoC vocalist Ariana Gra… wait no, Selena Gomez. Yes, Selena Gomez takes the top-spot on both charts with ‘Teardrops’ and her compilation album ‘THE BEST… Is Yet to Come’ (where she admits that her current music sucks, go figure). Honestly, we would also award her the number-one toot of the week where she called someone else out for having weak vocals. A true entertainer!
Now let’s talk about Blue. There was once a song title that said ‘Blue Ain’t Your Color” … well, unfortunately that’s not true for some of our artists. Blue is commonly associated with being sad and depressing (which is why Troye Sivan loves this color) and what could be sadder and more depressing than losing the number-one spot. And so here we associate Normani from the Hot Singles Chart (‘Dear Diary’) and Lana Del Rey from the Top Albums Chart (‘summer blue forever)’; although actually we’d also associate her with white because well…
Next we move onto Green; an evil little color that hints at jealousy and envy. And do we have a selection for you! First up is the #3 album-artist of the week; Ariana Grande – envious that she can’t actually change her skin color to Green, jealous that ‘blurry bodies’ still can’t enter the top-ten, and absolutely fuming that a real Woman of Color took the number-one album spot from her. Up next is Christina Aguilera who is jealous that she’s no longer as skinny, successful or responsible as P!nk – after P!nk stole her only #PI duty this season (Billboard Exclusive). Finally, we’re lumping in Kesha here because she’s envious of Lady Gaga’s nose (although we suppose she could also be red after the blood loss from this week). New music? What? No.
Next, we’ll talk about the Orange artists; those who aren’t quite the success stories they want to be, nor the Amelia Lilys of the #PIverse. Well… that’s what we’re saying officially, but the truth is that we just couldn’t fit them into their correct colors because pink and white aren’t part of the rainbow. Of course, we’re talking about P!nk and Gwen Stefani. P!nk gallops ahead of Christina Aguilera’s hate and finished at the #4 spot with ‘I Don’t Know You… Yet’. Meanwhile Stefani somehow scrapes a Top-10 single and Top-5 album this week, despite her intimate family woodland adventures. We do have to wonder whether animals are also considered part of that family…
Red. There’s a lot of symbolism here; it usually refers to something that’s quite bad; such as the red traffic light, red eject buttons, or the red buzzer on Britain’s Got Talent if someone like Selena Gomez decided to audition. Yes, it’s that time of the week; it’s time to discuss the flop artists. And this week, they include Ellie Goulding, Rihanna, Brendon Urie and Amelia Lily. What? You thought we were giving them a sentence each? As if. Moving on.
There used to be a poem that stated “Roses are red” and “Violets are blue”. We thought about it and concluded that actually at least Roses have some relevance, whereas Violets are both flops and irrelevants. So, for our Violet choices, we can only go with Karen Smith and Ed Sheeran. Sheeran’s song ‘woke up’ is the ultimate flop of the week, charting at #26. Maybe he should have woke up to smell the coffee (with a dash of Horse Cum) and got himself to Tootland more often. Meanwhile Smith’s ‘Dark Lady’ falters at #21. A statement from Smith reads; “I don’t know what that means, but I’m releasing an amazing remix this week and I’m sure Troye will love it too”.
Finally, we have Yellow. Now, Yellow isn’t that bad of a color choice but the tea is that no one actually remembers it or likes it to begin with. And so we bid adieu to flop artists like Robyn, Rosalía, SOPHIE, Sunmi, Perrie Edwards (because she paid us for a mention), Lady Gaga, the Ghost of Kesha’s nose, Justin Timberlake and more. We’ve finally found our rainbow. Good riddance!