What's Your Flavor?
News sources around the globe… so us and TMZ… are calling It “The Real Disaster Week” of the season. Weaves were flying, toots were being quickly posted and ever as quickly stolen, and hopes were raised only to be smashed to pieces. Oh, and on top of that some of our sponsored artists spent the week watching the VH1 reality show ‘Flavor of Love’. And because we have nothing better to write about, like any actual good single releases, we’re gonna compare these artists to those women in an attempt to make them all feel bad about themselves. Yes!
New York. Without a doubt the most famous star from Flavor of Love. Not only has she gone on to do her own TV shows and Celebrity Big Brother, but she’s also our resident Billboard Reporter. Known for being a loud mouthy bitch and raring to start and get into any fight, it’s no wonder that our comparison to P!nk is extremely accurate. And after all, having the number-one spot on both major charts this week (with ‘I Don’t Know You… Yet’ and ‘All the Poetry You Never Heard’) certainly qualifies for being the most successful. Also Hottie once said “She looks like Shrek”. We agree.
“This is for P!nk, you big fat white nasty smelling fat bitch, why you took me off the motherfuckin’ schedule wit yo triflin’ dirty white racist ass you big fat bitch oompa loompa body ass bitch. I’m comin up there and I’m gonna beat the fuck out of you bitch and don’t even call the police cause imma come up there unexpected and wait on yo motherfuckin’ ass bitch”: a phone call we just received from an anonymous sender. Apparently, she was upset that ‘Grown’ was not the number-one album of the week, but in third place instead. We don’t know who she was, but we would compare her to Rain for being loud, annoying and always threatened by New York.
Another person with a bone to pick with our very own New York (ie P!nk) is Ariana Grande. Why? Well, why not? Pushing her collaboration (‘Teardrops’) off the number-one spot before she could take credit for it, forcing her to do behind-the-scenes event maintenance instead of tooting (as P!nk continued to toot herself), and stealing her digital gays for a grand total of one week. You can just tell she’s having a meltdown – another one yes. Cry your heart out Pumkin. Known for: being a cultural appropriator, a racist, a cry-baby, a spitter, a substitute teacher and a cheerleading coach and needing a fucking facelift. Yes!!!
“That damn New York”, Serious once said – before hating on New York for hating on the other girls. And you know, we sometimes wonder whether P!nk would turn on her friends just like New York. Who are those friends? Well, Selena Gomez is her current BFF, helping each other spam, hijacking Kesha’s threads and watching trashy reality shows together. We compare Gomez to Miss Latin known for… being Latina, her boyfriends, and… nothing else. Normally we’d refer to the time where New York sabotaged Miss Latin, but P!nk hasn’t done that yet. In fact, Gomez actually performed exceptionally well this week; hitting number-two on both the Hot Singles and Top Album charts!
Now that we’ve discussed our very own Miss Latin, let’s talk about her relationships that were more relevant than the rest of her. We’d compare Flavor Flav to the Weeknd for being Selena’s most recent boyfriend, being relevant in the past but not anymore. We’d compare Justin Bieber to Miss Latin’s ex-boyfriend calling her on the phone; who is known for… absolutely nothing. And we’d compare Perrie Edwards to Red Oyster because she finessed everyone, including Flavor Flav, having respect for New York only (and because she paid us to be mentioned again).
Let’s move onto some of the less important artists of the week; that’s right, it’s a quick-fire round. We compare Christina Aguilera, her flop #5-peaking album and her nonsensical brand-new EP to Smokey; known for being a dumb-ass bitch and going home the first night. Speaking of which, we compare Ed Sheeran to Picasso, also for going home on the first night and being addicted to masturbating (and crude enough to admit it). Next up is Rihanna who we compare to Smiley for various reasons; she’s a slut, a whore, and a stripper – and delayed her album for P!nk like Smiley offered to give New York her date. Finally, we have Gwen Stefani who is really only a guest appearance by Brigitte Nielsen because she’s not relevant enough to be a main character. Known for: being a P!nk tribute act.
Two more artists remain. One thought she’d be #2 so instead of putting her here, we’re putting her last instead. On the other hand, let’s talk about Troye Sivan. Recently, we asked Tootland who the biggest liar in #PopIndustry was, only to receive a unanimous answer of Troye Sivan. And we agree. Known for lying about everything, being crazy, being delusional, being a backstabber, being dumb on purpose and still being somewhat-of-a-legend, we confirm that Troye Sivan is our very own Hottie. His new single ‘Dream a Little of Me’ blasts into the top-five this week. What? Hello, who is this? Brendon Urie? It’s your single, what? Shut up bitch, don’t make this about you.
Finally, we’ll talk about Kesha. Always the butt of the joke and the last one to see the castle crumbling around her, we’re going to finally give her the time of day. You know, it’s not all bad; a number-three single really is quite good and so is winning a fake reality tv show like Flavor of Love winner Hoopz. But the problem is; they’re both ugly, they’re both extremely boring and they both lost in life immediately after winning. Who is the real loser here? The girl who didn’t try and failed anyway (Kim Petras) or the girl who tried and still managed to fail with flying colors? (Kesha). We’ll leave that one to our readers.
There’s one contestant left; the amazing, talented, beautiful, gorgeous and legendary Goldie. Known for being a legend, a queen and the best person on the show with the purest heart. And we compare her to… absolutely none of you because you’re all trash. Yes!