TRENDING: #arianapavedtheway - but she's still not a #latina
(Exclusive footage of #PI players live on tour this season)
It’s been a whirlwind of a week so far. That’s what we were going to say when thinking about this upcoming charticle last night. However, now, whirlwind doesn’t even apply to the chaos that occurred earlier today. In addition to a judge feud last night, today brought lyric spam resulting in a future Billboard formula change. Weaves flew, emotions got shattered and records got broken, and Selena Gomez and P!nk continued to watch Flavor of Love… until it got cancelled. But in honor of their watching party, let’s compare the #PI contestants to characters from Flavor of Love 2. Yes!!!
First up, we should talk about Ariana Grande and congratulate her on both a number-one single (‘Blooddrops’) and a number-one album (‘The witching hour’). We didn’t have to think very hard about who to associate her with. It could have been Deelishis, seeing as she is the winner… but are you really a winner if you’re Ariana Grande? No. Instead we compare her to the iconic Buckwild; known for wanting to be Black, pretending to be “ghetto” because she’s racist, hating on New York (aka P!nk – for getting a dual number-one first) and having an emotional breakdown because of New York. We just hope she does not remove her shoes in an attempt to throw them at P!nk. Although, Ed Sheeran, yeah, he probably does, and a lot more too.
Moving onto P!nk, our former dual number-one holder. Once again, we have no one but New York to compare her to. An eventual winner in life even after a few rough starts – such as almost getting hit by Buckwild’s shoe and getting spit on by Pumkin – honestly, is anyone surprised that these are the same person (Ariana Grande) because we’re definitely not. Yeah, sure, New York ended up on Botched because of her saggy failing titties, but even still; eventually she became a winner in life. The same as P!nk; who somewhat lost due to a lack of toots this week, but also won for the exact same reason. No acts of desperation here… unlike the rest of this list.
Next up we have Selena Gomez. We can hear the boos from here. The overexposed feature songstress (???) earns another number-one single this week by piggybacking onto Ariana Grande’s ‘Bloodrops’ – a song which… first piggybacked onto Gomez’s ‘Teardrops’… Yeah. On top of that, her own solo material – both single ‘It’s All About You Babe!’ and holiday album ‘A Special Kind of Christmas’ – debut at the number-three spots this week. Gomez’s Flavor of Love incarnation this week is undoubtedly Krazy; known for being a slut and a whore, being #Latina, delusionally thinking that New York actually likes her, and even more delusionally thinking she’s a good singer. Yikes.
Next, we look at one of the most desperate of all; The Weeknd. But the question is, what is he desperate for? A number-one single? Or how about, just being memorable for once? We think that the only reasonable comparison here is Beautiful. Beautiful was known for… literally nothing at all. Yet, she still made the top eight – to the dismay and confusion of every single viewer. Why was she even there, omg? Similarly, The Weeknd debuts at #2 on the Hot Singles Chart with ‘Don’t Blame Me’… wait no, it’s ‘Blame On Me’, well… does it matter? No. Will anyone remember it exists next week? No. Does Pumkin still need a facelift? Uh yes!
Then, we have Rihanna. As Brigitte Nielsen once said, “urgh”. Where to begin? Well she has a flop new single, a flop new album, but hey, at least she has a new tattoo, right? We would most certainly compare her to Toastee; known for being a whore, slut, pornstar, exposed by Eye’z, and yet somehow still became an iconic Tootland meme. Oh and also, a very, very, very bad drunk. It’s not like she’d wake up with a new tatt… oh wait, nevermind.
Well, we’ve touched on one member of the Wine Squad (remember them? Yeah, we don’t either). Let’s move onto the other. Erika Jayne? Who is that? We don’t know but for some reason the word “botox” comes to mind. No, we mean Christina Aguilera (and surprisingly the word “botox” still comes to mind here…). Aguilera is the perfect representation of Like Dat from Flavor of Love 2. An OBH – obsessed Buckwild hater – she smiled in Grande’s face as she unprofessionally ripped her album apart on Metacritic, while scoring her own with 90+ reviews, despite various warnings that these reviews should be truthful and honest (Billboard Exclusive). Aguilera also got into it with other judges last night due to her lack of… everything. Fat AND lazy, only Like Dat could relate.
Let’s move onto the flops of the week. Well first of all there’s Kesha. Plummeting down the charts like the shit falling out of her mouth (and Somethin’s ass), Kesha is definitely the Somethin’ of our industry; known for being crazy and fat, getting fired and shitting on the floor. We even heard it’s her favorite party trick. Next, we have Spunkeey; an irrelevant contestant known only for being a real fake-ass; and there is no better representation than Kylie Minogue – who did not vote this week after promising she would. Finally, we have Eye’z. We could compare Eye’z to Ed Sheeran because he constantly watches everyone on Tootland, exposing them… even tho everyone ignores his reports regardless.
Finally, what’s a good show without any double act; Ash and Pikachu, Normani and the irrelevant TV shows she spams about overnight, Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello, and Billie and his future Nintendo Switch. We love it all. And what’s better is that we have TWO double-acts this season of #PopIndustry; first up – Carrie Underwood and Lana Del Rey (Saaphyri and H-Town). Saaphyri is known for starting fights and praying (to the Lord before he directs her to fight again), and H-Town is known for needing fights to stay relevant, and still being kicked out on day one. Finally, there’s Troye Sivan and Brendon Urie. Like Bootz and Buckeey, they make a great double-act, and that’s because… there’s no difference between the two; they’re almost like Siamese twins. A double-act? More like a circus act.
We could finish this article comparing someone to Deelishis; the eventual winner of Season 2. The reason we’re not going to do that? Because NONE of you are real winners. You may secure some cute number-ones or point values, but the truth is you’re still here, being sad, lonely and desperate. (Apparently Normani claimed she can’t relate? PS, we know she’s lying!). Maybe Perrie Edwards made some points after all when she retired... Huh?