WHO WANTS TO FUCK WITH ME?
BITCH LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. THIS IS NEW YORK SIGNING OFF ON YOUR ASS. I’M BACK BITCHES. OH GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M FORCED INTO DOING THIS BUT THEY TOLD ME IF I WANNA WIN AN AWARD, I SHOULD PROMOTE MYSELF. SO ALL OF Y’ALL BETTER GO VOTE FOR ME AT THE #PIAWARDS. ANYWAY, BILLBOARD ASKED ME TO TALK ABOUT SOME OTHER FAKE ASS PATHETIC LOSERS SO I GUESS THAT’S WHAT I’M GON DO. BUT REMEMBER THIS; THEY DON’T MATTER. I’M WHAT MATTERS.
URGH, WELL. FIRST OF ALL, THEY TELL ME SOME GIRL CALLED CARRY SOMETHING HAS THE NUMBER-ONE SPOT ON BOTH MAJOR CHARTS THIS WEEK. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK AND I’M NOT HERE TO PRETEND LIKE I DO. LISTEN UP BITCH, MAYBE THIS WILL HELP YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT BUT YOU STILL LOOK LIKE A FAIRY PRINCESS WHO RESIDES OVER THE PITS OF HELL, SO WHO REALLY WON? SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH, GET YOUR ASS IN LINE AND BE QUIET. GOODBYE BITCH.
URGH, RIHANNA. WHAT DO I HAVE TO STAY ABOUT DUMB-ASS BITCH? A LOT. AND YET NONE OF IT IS POSITIVE. WHY? BECAUSE SHE’S A LOSER. A SAD DESPERATE LOSER WITH A PUSSY THE SIZE OF HER MOUTH AND A MOUTH THE SIZE OF HER FOREHEAD. BITCH OF COURSE YOU SPEAK YOUR MIND. EVERYONE DOES; WHERE DO YOU THINK THEY GET THEIR IDEAS FROM? THEIR ASS? YOU WOULD KNOW ABOUT THAT HUH? STUPID ASS WHORE!
NEXT UP. URGH. LEMME GRAB A PAPER BAG TO BARF INTO. TROYE SIVAN AND SELENA GOMEZ. TWO ABSOLUTE CLOWNS. YOU KNOW, I WOULD SAY THEY’RE LESBIANS. TROYE SIVAN; THAT’S THE LIPSTICK LESBIAN. AND GOMESS, SHE WOULD BE THE MAN. ITS SAD. ITS PATHETIC. ITS DISTASTEFUL. I HEARD THEYRE CHRISTIANS AND YET THEY STILL UP THERE ACTING LIKE THEYRE IN A SOUP KITCHEN. WE’RE IN THE HOUSE OF THE LORD HAVE SOME RESPECT.
P!NK. URGH. WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN. FIRST OF ALL, BITCH YOU LOOK LIKE A MAN, GIVE IT UP DEELISHIS. SECOND YOU’RE MEANT TO BE A MOTHER BUT YOU’RE ABOUT AS GOOD WITH KIDS AS THAT TRAMP PUMKIN. ARE YOU A CHEERLOADING COACH TOO? BUT YOU KNOW WHAT. YOU MAY NOT BE ON MY LEVEL, AFTER ALL CUTE NEXT TO GORGEOUS. GORGEOUS IS GONNA DEVOUR CUTE. BUT I DO HAVE TO SAY… I SLIGHTLY ACKNOWLEDGE P!NK.
OK HOLD ON. LET ME TAKE A BREAK FOR A MOMENT. USUALLY I WOULD TALK ABOUT NORMANI; THE UGLY ASS BITCH WHO NEEDS MORE THAN A FACELIFT BUT A PERSONALITYLIFT TOO BECAUSE GOOD LORD IS SHE UGLY ON THE INSIDE AND OUT. SHE WANTED ME TO MENTION HER SO HERE YOU ARE BITCH, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW BOOTZ? AS I SAID, I WOULD USUALLY TALK ABOUT HER BUT HER SINGLES AND ALBUMS PLUMMETTED OFF THE CHART FASTER THAN CHRISTINA AGUILERA’S FAKE KISS ASS FRIENDSHIP WITH ARIANA GRANDE. MAYBE I SHOULD REMOVE THIS PART BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS BITCH DON’T EVEN APPLY NO MORE. YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST SAT THERE AND ATE YOUR FOOD.
AMELIA LILY. GOD. CAN IT GET ANY WORSE? WELL NOT FOR HER APPARENTLY. HER FLOP NEW EP BECOMES THE BIGGEST FLOP OF ALL TIME AND YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT BITCH DESERVES IT. SHE LOOKS RIDICULOUS WITH THOSE CANDY APPLE RED TIPS. ALTHOUGH TO BE HONEST SHE LOOKS RIDICULOUS ALL THE TIME. ALMOST LIKE THE ARTIST, AND I HOPE I GET THIS RIGHT; THEY SAY HIS WORK LOOKS GOOD – WELL, PASSABLE – FROM AFAR, AND WHEN YOU WALK UP TO IT, ITS LIKE EWWWWW. SHE LOOKS LIKE FUCKING LUTHER VANDROSS, I REALLY CANNOT. SHE’S NOT TALENTED, SHE’S NOT A SONGSTRESS. SHE’S JUST A LOSER. PERIOD.
Y’ALL SMELL THAT SHIT? I DO. LANA DEL REY, I CAN SMELL YOUR STENCH FROM HERE. TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER. YOU KNOW WHAT?? I WOULD HAVE TO SAY THAT SHE… SHE IS A DISGRACE TO HUMANITY. A DISGRACE TO HUMANITY, AND A DISGRACE TO WOMEN WHO ARE ACTUALLY BEAUTIFUL AND CLASSY AND SHE JUST DOESN’T HAVE THE VERNACULAR SHE THINKS SHE POSSESSES. SOMEBODY LIED TO HER SEVERAL TIMES AND TOLD HER SHE WAS FLY, HOT AND SEXY AND BEAUTIFUL. AND SHE’S NOTHING LIKE THAT, NO. NOTHING OF THE SORT. URGH, I’M SO DONE WITH HER.
I’M DONE WITH ALL OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS. THAT’S IT FOR TODAY. I’VE HAD ENOUGH AND I NEED A DRINK AND SOME HOT ASS MAN TO GET ME OFF. WHILE ALL OF YOU SIT ON TOOTLAND DOING NOTHING BUT THROWING YOUR LIVES AWAY, WELL GUESS WHAT; THAT’S THE MEAT YOU BEEN WAITING FOR! OH, ONE MORE THING. KAREN SMITH IS RELEASING A SINGLE THIS WEEK AND BELIEVE ME, I HEARD IT AND IT’S LIKE A CAT GETTING STRANGLED. SHE REALLY THINKS I LIKE HER, THE BITCH. ANYWAY, FOR THE REST OF Y’ALL, I WISH YOU… AN OUNCE OF LUCK FOR THIS FINAL WEEK. BYE PUMKINS!