All Hallows' Eve Eve
A special occasion. A momentous occurrence. A wonderful wonder. A tootland celebration. And a reverse Warholian experience. All of those apply to the 31st of October; in other words, Halloween. (P.S. a note for Christina Aguilera; Halloween is actually All Hallows’ Eve). But that’s not all that happens, oh no. If you thought the trick or treaters’ costumes or late-night movies were scary, you had another thing coming. Nothing compares to the #PopIndustry contestants. They’re really threatening… well, two of them. The rest are just threatened. Aw.
Let’s begin with the scariest of all. Amelia Lily. Yikes. That girl is a monster. Honestly, we would normally compare her to a Halloween caricature but she’s just far too… unique (and we never thought we’d say that!). She looks like a grapefruit crossed with Christina Aguilera, Erika Jayne, a little botox and a random chav from the streets of London. The most frightening thing about her is the amount of flops she has; her career-destroying (her own) EP ‘Between Heaven and Hell’ does rise three places this week to an unimpressive #17 (but there were only 19 spots, the lower two of which were also occupied by Lily or Lily’s executive Christina Aguilera). Furthermore, her desperate collaboration for success ‘Bad Karma’ lived up to its name, also charting at #17. But every moon has a silver werewolf… or something like that, and Lily lucks out with a new feature ‘Lover I Don’t Have to Love’ topping the Hot Singles Chart this week. It’s quite clear that Lily is best compared to a ventriloquist; as she charts on the back of an unnamed puppet on a string. Good for her.
Next up this week, we have Selena Gomez. A longstanding presence all season known for… um. Well… Um. Fighting with Ariana Grande? Making 23,000 toots over the course of the season? Thinking being Latina was a personality trait? And, watching Flavor of Love from P!nk’s house after escaping Karen the Skinny’s basement? Oh, and she had a Christmas album, but we all gave up on her after her ‘THE BEST’ of the worst Greatest Hits record. And what better way to say goodbye than with her new top two single ‘Sayonara’. Yes, fuck off bitch. We’d compare her to a microphone because her vocals are truly the scariest thing that we’d heard all year.
Who’s up next? Oh, Gwen Stefani and Ariana Grande. Well, at first glance it seems they don’t have much in common, but oh love, yes, they do. Look harder. They’re both desperate to fit in with the young audience they have (or in Stefani’s case; want-to-have). They’re both sitting at the most annoying chart positions ever this week (#6 and #11 respectively). And finally, well… we don’t even need to say it, do we? So instead let’s just start the list of insensitive Halloween costumes we all know they’d wear just for that slightest bit of attention. Yuh; Pocahontas, a sombrero, a tanning salon addict or worse! Nicki Minaj. Yuh.
Now let’s talk about some really frightening creations; the #PI judges. First up there’s P!nk. Now let’s be honest, even P!nk without a costume is terrifying enough for Rihanna. (DELICIOUS). There, see, she jumped! But as we congratulate P!nk on her new top three single (You’ll Be the One to Fall), we’ll say that she fits the sexy twink police officer costumes that crop-up every year – with the frightening addition of them actually looking realistic on her! (See above). Then we have Lana Del Rey; number-one hater and mean girl. She’d like us to compare her to Regina George, but honestly, she’s serving the old bitch of a teacher from Matilda instead. That fat bitch? Is this a segue into Christina Aguilera? Yes ma’am. Queen of All Hallows’ Eve Eve, Christina Aguilera doesn’t even need a costume. Why? Because she’ll just pick one she wore in the past few years anyway. Unoriginal just like her album title (#BillboardExclusive; did you know? Queen of Halloween was a hashtag her fans made for her months ago). Finally, there’s Troye Sivan. He didn’t even remember he existed this week, so why should we? Get out, you’re not even invited to this party bitch.
Finally, let’s look at the true horror stories of this season. First of all there were the three flops from the early season; Robyn, Rosalia and SOPHIE. Honestly, we’re not gonna mention them ever again but we’ll at least give them the costume of the three weird demon witches from Hercules that shared a singular eye ball. Speaking of eyes, nothing gets past this one; Normani. Is there anything scarier about going to bed comfortably ahead on the toot count and you wake up and you have this bitch with a knife against your throat? I think not. We would compare her to the stereo player that contains a Lana Del Rey album, since she does her best work when we’re asleep. Then there’s Ed Sheeran. No comment. Finally, there’s Rihanna; the local Mastodon resident. That’s it; that’s her costume. It’s not even a costume. It’s real life. Rihanna finishes Season 8 with the most toots for a singular artist (28,817). Congratulations on your… achievement?
That’s all folks. You can view this week’s charts below. The Legacy Charts will also be posted shortly alongside the Billboard Boxscores. The All-Time Charts, #PIAwards and final results will be presented tomorrow. In the meantime, thanks for playing and have a happy Halloween! Season 9 begins on Monday.
Just Kidding!